You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
