I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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