my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
