I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
