i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
