I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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