There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Houston, we have a squirter
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
