I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
