I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
