Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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