I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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