Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
