my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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