I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
