dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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