So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
