so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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