Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
