I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
