I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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