I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
