if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
