I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
