Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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