Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
