explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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