After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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