yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
