do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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