I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
