This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
