I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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