she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
