youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
