Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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