my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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