I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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