I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
