This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
