i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
