Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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