I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
pray to the hookup gods
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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