I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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