he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
