Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
