Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
