She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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