My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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