Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
