I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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