you guys were way drunker than both of me
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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